selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee by Megan Boyle is now available as an ebook

beethoventhemovie:

starting today, march 17, 2013 i will be liveblogging everything i do.

vicemag:

Tao Lin’s Apartment: A Review, by Megan Boyle

Last October Tao Lin, my ex-husband, put up a post on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to sublet his studio apartment in Murray Hill while he visited family in Taiwan. I responded and PayPal-ed him the significantly discounted friend-rate. I would be staying around four weeks. I had visited Tao’s apartment maybe four times prior and had seen photos on Instagram—darkly lit areas, occult-looking décor, some Buddhist imagery, Adderall taped to the ceiling as a form of rehab, and curiously frequent “smoothie disasters.” I was excited to live alone in Manhattan. I was also excited to hopefully gain insight into the private life of a person I’ve admired both up close and at a distance for years—the kind of insight that can only come from sleeping in their bed and looking at their things every day for around four weeks when they’re not there. That sounds kind of creepy. Here is my review of Tao Lin’s apartment.

The Hanging Thing

When I moved in the giant structure formerly hanging above Tao’s bed was gone. I’d previously seen it in person twice, at sort-of parties, at which I felt surprised by how little attention it was getting. People seemed to treat it like any other passive obstruction. I don’t have memories of asking what it was or why it was there. I’m guessing its materials (Christmas lights, tinsel, black and white cobwebby stuff) were bought or stolen by Tao and his friend* Katie DeMoss from NutHouse, which is across the street and calls itself “New York’s Only 24-Hour Hardware Store.” Sometimes in conversational lulls at a party this December my eyes would wander around the room and land on the hanging thing. The ease at which I could allow such an overwhelmingly insane-looking thing to blend into my idea of “normal party surroundings” combined with knowing it was among the only other not-talking things in the room seemed funny. I’m not sure I’m glad it was gone when I arrived.

Lighting Statistics

- Only one out of four light switches work.

- Two out of three bulbs in his main lamp are white. One is red.

- There is one light in the bathroom. It is red but glows pink and affects the color of your pee.

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vicemag:

What Cat Food Tastes Like

While preparing dinner at a friend’s apartment a few nights ago, I asked if their cat should eat too. Then someone fed the cat. Then I asked if I should eat cat food too. Then people said “yes” and I did. I think that’s how it happened. I know it started as a joke but then it tasted surprisingly OK. Later at a deli I excitedly selected cans of wet cat food for a taste-test experiment I promised myself I’d do first thing in the morning. After my hangover subsided, I felt more able to seriously consider two futures: the one where I’d never know what wet cat food tasted like, and the one where I would. In both futures I’d eventually end up dead, but the one where I’d eat cat food seemed more exciting. With that said, actually making myself eat the canned reconstituted meat morsels took longer than anticipated. I succumbed to misguidedly productive acts like finding “the perfect eating-cat-food outfit” (pink striped dress: too naive; button-down under a black sweater: too smart; red flannel dress: just right?), photo-testing locations for the best place to eat (a plate on the floor: obvious and kitschy; sitting at a table: unrealistically ordinary; bed: psychotic), and letting “research-based” internet activity devolve into gawking at YouTube videos about cannibalism and falling asleep with a knife under my pillow. OK. Enough explaining, I’m introducing this like I’ve committed a sex crime or something. I ate some cat food. That’s all that happened. Here’s what I thought.

Purina Cat Chow: Naturals Plus Vitamins & Minerals

Packaging: 16-ounce green bag with a Ziploc seal for freshness. Features colorful clip art-like illustrations of vegetables, grains, and a woman resembling Mona Lisa sleepily nurturing a happy, attentive cat on her lap.

Aroma: A little vitamin-y.

Texture: Harder than Captain Crunch, but denser, so it didn’t make those little cuts on the roof of my mouth. Moist enough so there was no fight to combine it with saliva, but crunchy enough to not let me forget I was chewing.

Flavor: I remember saying “it’s like those ‘Chicken in a Biscuit’ crackers” and “it’s ‘umami,’ do you guys know ‘umami,’ that new taste called ‘umami?’” There was a tangy aftertaste. It wasn’t unpleasant at all. Ate a few voluntary handfuls.

Beverage pairing: An affordable sparkling wine. I had been drinking Korbel (Brut, I think) at the time, but a sweeter Prosecco would also fare nicely.

Closing remarks: Could be transformed into larger vessels for humans to spread cheese on.

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casmaz:

beethoventhemovie:

http://www.vice.com/read/new-ways-to-have-sex

My Top Books of 2012: Recommendations of a Book Store Clerk, Now In Five Genres!

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selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee by Megan Boyle

(Source: 19841979)